I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
Quotations
Funny
I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
-Alfred North Whitehead
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
-Frank Sinatra
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain
I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
