Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-Frank Lloyd Wright
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
-Ronald Reagan
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
-Mark Twain
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
-Jarod Kintz
"The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.
-Alexandre Dumas
Copy from one, its plagiarism; copy from two, its research.
-Wilson Mizner
