Quotations
Funny

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

-Mark Twain

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

-George Bernard Shaw

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

-Winston S. Churchill

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

-Mark Twain

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

-Ronald Reagan

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

-Yogi Berra

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me

-Jarod Kintz "The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

-Ambrose Bierce

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

-George Carlin

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