Quotations
Funny

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

-Mark Twain

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

-Ambrose Bierce

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

-Mark Twain

When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.

-Ambrose Bierce

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

-George Bernard Shaw

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

-Oscar Wilde

I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.

-Alfred North Whitehead

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

-Mark Twain

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me

-Jarod Kintz "The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."

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