I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
Quotations
Funny
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
-Voltaire
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
-Winston S. Churchill
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston S. Churchill
