I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
-Mark Twain
A bachelor is a souvenir of some woman who found a better one at the last minute.
-Anonymous
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
-Nikola Tesla
Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
-George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston S. Churchill
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
