When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
-Voltaire
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
-Nikola Tesla
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
-Alfred North Whitehead
