I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
-Mark Twain
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
A bachelor is a souvenir of some woman who found a better one at the last minute.
-Anonymous
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston S. Churchill
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
