I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
-Mark Twain
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
-Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
-Mark Twain
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
-Jarod Kintz
"The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
