Quotations
Funny

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

-Mark Twain

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

-George Carlin

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

-Mark Twain

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

-Frank Lloyd Wright

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

-Ambrose Bierce

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

-Yogi Berra

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

-George Bernard Shaw

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

-Mark Twain

Copy from one, its plagiarism; copy from two, its research.

-Wilson Mizner

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

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