I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
Quotations
Funny
This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
-Winston S. Churchill
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
-Yogi Berra
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
A bachelor is a souvenir of some woman who found a better one at the last minute.
-Anonymous
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-Mark Twain
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
