I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-Mark Twain
I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
-Oscar Wilde
There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
-Ronald Reagan
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
