I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
-Mark Twain
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
-George Eliot
"Adam Bede"
A bachelor is a souvenir of some woman who found a better one at the last minute.
-Anonymous
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-Mark Twain
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
-George Bernard Shaw
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
-Ronald Reagan
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
