I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
Quotations
Funny
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
-Jarod Kintz
"The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
-George Bernard Shaw
Copy from one, its plagiarism; copy from two, its research.
-Wilson Mizner
