Quotations
Funny

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

-Voltaire

A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

-Mark Twain

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

-George Carlin

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

-Mark Twain

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

-George Bernard Shaw

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me

-Jarod Kintz "The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.

-Alfred North Whitehead

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

-George Carlin

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