When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
-Albert Einstein
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
-Oscar Wilde
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
-Ronald Reagan
The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
-Voltaire
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
