Quotations
Funny

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

-Oscar Wilde

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

-Benjamin Franklin

When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.

-Ambrose Bierce "Epigrams of a Cynic"

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

-George Carlin

I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.

-George Eliot "Adam Bede"

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

-Mark Twain

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

-George Carlin

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

-Oscar Wilde

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