Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
-George Bernard Shaw
Quotations
Funny
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
-Nikola Tesla
My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.
-Alexandre Dumas
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-Mark Twain
