Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
Quotations
Funny
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
A bachelor is a souvenir of some woman who found a better one at the last minute.
-Anonymous
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
-Ronald Reagan
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
-Jarod Kintz
"The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
-Mark Twain
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
-Oscar Wilde
