I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
Quotations
Funny
I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
-George Eliot
"Adam Bede"
There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
-Oscar Wilde
