Quotations
Funny

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

-Mark Twain

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

-Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

-Mark Twain

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

-Ronald Reagan

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

-Albert Einstein

My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.

-Alexandre Dumas

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

-Mark Twain

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

-Mark Twain

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