Quotations
Funny

When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.

-Ambrose Bierce "Epigrams of a Cynic"

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

-George Bernard Shaw

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

-Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

-Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

-Mark Twain

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

-Ronald Reagan

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

-Winston S. Churchill

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