I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
-George Bernard Shaw
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
-Mark Twain
I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
-Alfred North Whitehead
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
-Ambrose Bierce
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-Frank Lloyd Wright
