I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
-Ronald Reagan
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
-Mark Twain
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
-Mark Twain
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.
-Alexandre Dumas
