When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
-Voltaire
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston S. Churchill
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
-George Bernard Shaw
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
-Yogi Berra
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
-Mark Twain
