I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
-Oscar Wilde
There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
-Frank Sinatra
I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
-Mark Twain
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
-Nikola Tesla
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
-Jarod Kintz
"The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
-Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
