Quotations
Funny

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

-Winston S. Churchill

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

-Benjamin Franklin

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.

-Alfred North Whitehead

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

-Mark Twain

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

-George Carlin

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

-Winston S. Churchill

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

-George Carlin

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

-Oscar Wilde

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

-Ambrose Bierce

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