Quotations
Funny

When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.

-Ambrose Bierce

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

-Mark Twain

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

-Mark Twain

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

-Ronald Reagan

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

-Mark Twain

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

-Ambrose Bierce

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

-Benjamin Franklin

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

-Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

-Mark Twain

My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.

-Alexandre Dumas

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