I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
-Mark Twain
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-Mark Twain
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
-George Bernard Shaw
I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
-Alfred North Whitehead
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
-Yogi Berra
