It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
We can’t reach old age by another man’s road.
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
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